Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
