There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
