So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
