Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
