i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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