just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
