She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
