Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
How naked do you want me to be?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
