I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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