I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
