All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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