Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
