I accidentally burped into my bong.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
