if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
