her vagina looked like bernie madoff
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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