Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize