Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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