All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
