True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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