i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
