med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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