if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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