Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
