the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
