The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
