Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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