this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
