i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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