hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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