I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
