drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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