I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
