I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
