every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
