Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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