i love accidental penises.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
