He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize