You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
