I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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