9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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