porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
