After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
