i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
