do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Randomize
