So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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