is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
