I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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