last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
