I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
