whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
