I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
