Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
