I'm pants shitting drunk right now
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
