only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
wow bdsm is so cute
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
