I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
