i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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