her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
